Training Wheels

My sophomore year of college I met "the parents" of my college boyfriend for the first time. They are in short, the most amazing, lovely people. Yet, they are also much like the 1950's family set-up, and it isn't fake! I pinkie swear.

That first night, during dinner, Mr. Therron, who I still call Mr. Therron, asked me, "So do you have any brothers and sisters?" I answered, in an attempt to be clever, "No, but I have a step mother." No one at the table laughed...

I remember coming home that night feeling completely deflated. I have never experienced a family like theirs. And I hate to admit this, but I thought they were damn near perfect. And although I am wonderful in many ways, at nineteen, I knew I was not perfect and neither was my upbringing. I spent the better half of six years trying to find or create what they had. And it took me a long time to accept that perfect for them wasn't enough and maybe even, dare I say it, boring for me.

I think we all try at some point in our lives to emulate what we admire in others. But I think what we admire is their happiness, their security. Maybe I am wrong, but I know that is always what I envied or wanted.

For the first time in a long time, I am in a place where I am not emulating or trying to be anything or anyone. And I find that although empowering, I am flat-out scared shitless. Mostly because it feels real and I know it is finally me in my life, instead of playing a role I thought I wanted.

I think it is easier sometimes to deal with others than to deal with yourself. And I am real good at concentrating on the other person to avoid dealing with my own issues. It has been almost a year since I finally accepted what wasn't and I find I am in my own element of perfect. I have a wonderful person in my life. I have true, life long friendships. I have strong, loving relationships with my parents. And as of right now, I am still employed in a job that I want to be better at.

It even turns out that Mr. Therron always loved me for me. It just took me a while to embrace her and love her too.

Now, I find myself freakin' out about my element of perfect, because I was so use to the dysfunction. I have to train myself not to look for the next shoe to drop or for something bad to happen.

And maybe this is coming off self-absorbed, because I know I am lucky, damn lucky. But I feel like I am in training and I don't deserve all of this good. Because at the end of the day, I still don't fully believe I am worth all that I didn't see growing up.

I know. It is ridiculous, intellectually. But I have those dark places. And I know it will be something I deal with and improve upon my whole life.

Kevin and I rode bikes to work today. If you can do it, go try it -- so fun! I felt like I was ten years old again, carefree and having fun! I even gave into the urge to scream like Tarzan as we crossed over the Conn. Ave. bridge from Adams Morgan. I realized then that I am my whole self around this person, at all times, for better or for worse. And I really like the stability of that.

But I still need training wheels. I still need good people to balance me as I test my ability to balance on my own. ... Even when I don't feel like I deserve it. I am blessed that I have those people in my life.

Perfect is overrated. Balance, love for who I am and love for who I am not, I'll go for that mess any day. HP